I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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