I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
