before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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