whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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