I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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