I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
