3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
