her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
