Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize