It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
