i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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