The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
