Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
