There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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