listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
