As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
