Whats the glycemic index on semen?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
