Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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