You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Someone signed my nipple.
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