Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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