It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
