You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
