im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
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