i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
