My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize