the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
