I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
