Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
