After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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