Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
