she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Randomize
