i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Of course I have a pirate flag
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Drunk is a universal language darling
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
