Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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