I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
