Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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