just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
