No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
