Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
home. puking in laundry basket.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
