i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
