im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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