At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
