You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
