i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
