I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
