I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
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