Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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