There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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