I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
