the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
