She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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