im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
