that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
