Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize