I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize