Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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