i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
