The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Randomize
