Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
