I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
