Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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