Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
why do cheetos always look like penises
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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