I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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