You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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