We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize