Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
