I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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