I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
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