I CAN MOONWALK!
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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