We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
