so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize